What If I’m Happy And Sad About Being Single?

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: a time to be born and a time to die,

a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal,

a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh,

a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,

a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing, a time to search and a time to give up,

a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend,

a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate,

a time for war and a time for peace. – Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

For the longest time during my single years, there was one particular tension point I had trouble handling.

There were so many things I grew to love about being single. (Notice I said “grew to love” because I started out not loving much of anything about being single.) But as time went on, I really enjoyed many of the aspects of being single. I genuinely loved my life and was thoroughly enjoying it.

But on the other hand, there was this ever-present, deeply-rooted desire to be married. As much as I loved my single life, as much as I was enjoying all of the opportunities and blessings that came with that season, I never stopped wanting marriage.

So, I found myself in quite a predicament. Was I supposed to pick one side or the other? Was I the only one trying to balance these simultaneous feelings of contentment and longing? Was there any way I could hold both at the same time?

It wasn’t until I had a conversation with my best friend Melanie that I got the answers I was looking for.

Melanie and I were in our mid-twenties at the time. Melanie had recently gotten engaged, and I had recently broken off a dating relationship. So as we were in the car on our way to Starbucks to pick up some coffee, Melanie asked me how I was doing.

This moment has always meant a lot to me because it would have been much more fun and exciting to talk about Mel’s wedding than to talk about my breakup. But she asked anyway.

So I was honest with her...sort of. I told her I was sad the relationship was over, but I’d be fine. Basically, I rushed through my answer and tried to get back to the wedding planning conversation so we wouldn’t have to do a deep dive into the sadness I was feeling.

And of course, as best friends often do, Mel saw right through me. And in her usual kind, compassionate, and truth-filled way, she said exactly what I needed to hear.

“Kristen, I’m really glad you’re happy for me, but it’s okay for you to talk to me about what you’re feeling too. You can hold joyfulness and sadness at the same time.”

I’ve never forgotten that conversation Melanie and I had that day. And from that point, I had a newfound freedom in knowing that I could hold this tension between joyfulness and sadness at the same time.

I could be joyful and happy about all the things I loved about being single. And at the same time, it was okay for me to be sad because I had this unmet desire for marriage that I was waiting and hoping for God to fulfill.

This is why I love today’s key passage in Ecclesiastes 3. The author reminds us that there is a time for everything under the sun.

There is a time and a place for us to be joyful and happy.

There is a time and a place for us to be sad and full of longing.

We don’t have to choose one or the other permanently. We don’t have to feel guilty for feeling the tension between the two. And we definitely don’t have to feel alone as we’re navigating how to sort through all of these feelings. (Trust me, friend, you’re not the only one trying to figure this out.)

One of my favorite things about Jesus is that He sits with us and ministers to us no matter what we’re feeling or thinking. He’s there celebrating with us and being excited with us when we’re feeling joyful. And He’s just as close when we’re feeling sad, lonely, and disappointed.

No matter how many times our feelings change, Jesus never does. He remains the same. He is constant. He is dependable. He is a sure thing.

So if you’re sitting in the tension of your feelings today, if you’re trying to balance the excitement and the struggles that come with being single, remember there is a time and place for both sides of the coin. And as you continue to navigate this balancing act, I can promise you the Lord is right there with you every step of the way.