To The One Who’s Scared Of Getting Hurt

For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control. – 2 Timothy 1:7

Today, I want to talk to my single friend who is scared to put themselves out there. Whether they’ve never been in a relationship before and they’re scared to start dating, or whether they’ve been hurt before and are worried about getting hurt again, this devotion is for you.

In his book The Four Loves, C.S. Lewis says this: “Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.” 

In other words, if you want to avoid getting hurt, you're going to have to avoid love.

But what kind of life would that be? Are we really so terrified of making ourselves vulnerable to hurt and heartbreak that we’re willing to deprive ourselves of the chance to be loved by someone? Are we going to keep running away from what it is we really want because the risk of getting hurt seems too great?

If you think about it, if you’re putting yourself out there, if you’re being vulnerable, and if you’re willingly taking risks that might get you hurt, then you’re doing something right. 

Yeah, you heard me. You’re doing something right, because by choosing to be vulnerable and making an effort to connect with another person, you're opening yourself up to the possibility of the kind of loving, exciting, godly relationship you’ve been looking for.

But if you close yourself off, if you let the walls stay up, not only is your heart going to turn out exactly how C.S. Lewis said it would, but you could also miss out on chances for God to grow you and to make you more like Himself through your dating experiences.

There are a number of things the Lord could be wanting to teach you as you date. He could want you to learn to be a good listener and to have a posture of curiosity as you get to know the guy you’re dating.

He could want you to learn to be resilient and to value persevering rather than giving up.

He could want you to learn to be gracious and compassionate as you figure out how to navigate tough conversations.

Or He could want you to learn to trust Him to protect you, rather than believing that it’s up to you to protect yourself.

God can do a lot of truly amazing and sanctifying work in your heart while you date, and I don’t want you to miss out on that because your fear has you in constant self-defense mode.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. You’re probably saying, “Kristen, you don’t know what I’ve been through. I’ve been so hurt and so devastated in the past. I’m just trying to be super careful.” Or maybe, you’re saying, “Kristen, I’m just not totally over the last relationship yet, and I need more time before I’m willing to take another risk.” 

Trust me when I say that I’ve said all of those things…on multiple occasions. When it comes to the justifications we attach to our posture of relational self-defense, we can say that we’re just being cautious, or that we’re still healing from our last breakup. And while that may be true for a time, we can’t remain hidden behind our fear forever. At some point, we have to be willing to take the risk.

Friend, when God created you, He didn’t give you a spirit of fear (2 Timothy 1:7). He doesn’t want you to run away when you’re afraid. He doesn’t want you to walk through life jaded because of the hurt you’ve experienced in the past. He doesn’t want you to live your life with a heart surrounded by walls you’ve deliberately and desperately built up out of self-defense. And He doesn’t want you to let your fear of getting hurt keep you from experiencing a loving relationship with another person.

Instead, He’s inviting you to trust Him. He’s reminding you that He’s with you every step of the way. He’s wanting you to live with the confidence that He will grant you the strength you need to fly into the storms, rather than flee from them. And He’s assuring you that even if you do get hurt, He will sustain you, He will renew you, and He will hold onto you, never letting go.

When it comes to dating, there is an endless amount of uncertainty. And the thing about uncertainty is that if you’re going to walk through it, you’re going to have to take some risks. You’re going to have to take a leap of faith, because if you stay put, nothing is ever going to change, and you’re never going to experience the kind of relationship you really want.

Now, I’m not going to sit here and tell you that if you put yourself out there, whether for the first time or the fifth time, that you won’t get hurt. I can’t promise you the next person you date is going to be your spouse one day. I wish I could, but that’s where the uncertainty comes in.

For a long time, I let the lingering feelings from my own experiences of heartbreak shackle me to a life of certainty, rather than living in the freedom and the hope of finding someone to love and be vulnerable with. But there came a point when the safety didn’t seem so appealing, when I realized I was getting in my own way of experiencing something I really wanted, something I knew was good, and something that I’d been praying for for a long, long time.

I don’t want you to get in your own way like I did. I want you to live with hope, trusting the Lord as you take risks. I want you to fly in freedom, not flee in fear. I want you to date with courage, understanding that you might get hurt, but realizing that it’s worth the risk if it means finding the person you get to spend the rest of your life with.

So go out on that date. Let your best friend set you up. Sign up for an online dating site. Put yourself out there. Sure, you might get hurt. But you also might find what you’ve been looking for, hoping for, and praying for. And isn’t that worth the risk?