What I Wish Someone Would Have Said To Me About My Singleness
I tossed and turned last night for hours thinking about writing this post. I didn't want Valentine's week to pass without giving you some sort of encouragement or hope in regards to what this week represents. But I also didn't want this to be just another article about surviving Valentine's Day being single. So last night as I was thinking and praying about what I was going to write, I came across a quote from one of my favorite bloggers. She said, "Be who you needed when you were younger." It was such a simple statement, but so profound at the same time. If we all took this advice, I truly believe the people coming up behind us would be a whole lot better off. They would feel encouraged where we felt discouraged. They would feel excited where we felt nervous. And they would feel hopeful where we felt hopeless.
With that in mind, I started flipping back through my journals. I wanted to know: Where have I struggled in the past in regards to being single? What encouragement was I looking for? What truth did I need to be reminded of? In my search to answer these questions, I came across a number of entries from years past filled with confusion, frustration, impatience, jealousy, and feelings of not being enough. And I would care to wager that if I've struggled with those feelings at one point or another, you probably have too. So, since I can't go back and tell myself what I clearly needed to hear, I'll tell you five things I wish someone had said to me about my singleness.
1. Your relationship status does not determine your value.
This time last year when my little sister made the decision not to attend college after graduation, I started to become acutely aware of how the first thing everyone asks a senior in high school is, "Where are you going to college?" While my sister always handled this question with grace and patience, people didn't always know how to respond to her unconventional answer. Most people would be kind and sort of fumble over their words, but I could tell that their perception of Danielle was now influenced by the fact that she wasn't continuing her education. It was after watching several of these conversations that I decided to change the way I spoke to high school seniors. Instead of asking them, "Where are you going to college?" I ask them, "What are you doing after graduation?" In this way, I am still showing interest in their future plans without projecting cultural norms and my own assumptions onto someone else's life.
In a lot of ways, I can empathize with Danielle because I feel like a lot of people view marriage the same way they view going to college. In the same way that college is the assumed next step for high school graduates, marriage is the assumed next step for adults in their early-twenties. So when you find yourself in your late twenties, early thirties, or beyond, and someone asks you if you're seeing anyone, it's not abnormal for people to not know how to respond with phrases other than, "Oh, that's okay. I'm sure you'll find someone."
But hear me when I say that regardless of where you find yourself in your journey as a single adult, and regardless of how people respond to you when you say you're single, your value as a human being is not determined by your relationship status. In the same way that my sister is no less capable of living a successful, fulfilling, God-honoring life without a college degree, you are no less capable of living a successful, fulfilling, God-honoring life because you don't have a ring on your left hand. Your value is rooted in your title as a child of God, not your title as a girlfriend, fiancee, or wife.
2. It's okay if you don't get married before you turn 30.
A couple of months ago I was having a conversation with my roommate Lauren. We were talking about our birthdays coming up in the next few months, where we will both be turning 27. Between Lauren recently finding a handful of gray hairs on her head and my realization that anti-wrinkle eye cream is now a necessary part of my skincare routine, you could say we are both a little less than enthused about creeping up on the big 3-0. As we were talking about approaching the next decade of our lives, I said, "Lauren, if I'm being really honest, if I'm not married by the time I'm 30, I don't think I'm going to handle that too well. I just never thought I would get to 30 and still be single." We both let that phrase hang in the air for a minute, but then something hit me. "Actually," I said, "I never thought I would get to 26 and still be single either, and I love how my life has turned out."
That moment will forever be etched in my mind. For so long I couldn't imagine getting to the point where I had lived through three decades and had still not said "I do." But ever since I had that conversation with Lauren, my entire outlook has changed. When I think about it, nothing about my life over the past eight years has turned out like I thought it would, and yet I've had an amazing life so far. I've seen God do an amazing work in me as He's guided me to unexpected opportunities, exciting experiences, and life-giving relationships.
So what if I don't have a husband on my 30th birthday? And so what if you don't either? Either way we're going to be okay. And either way, God can and will still do an incredible work in us as He guides us towards the next chapter in our lives.
3. Singleness is not a waiting room.
A couple of years ago, I was talking to my friend and mentor, Elaine, when she made the comment, "Kristen, you're just in a waiting room right now." She was referring to some news I was waiting on in regards to my job, in which case the analogy makes perfect sense. Unfortunately, I feel like we have mislabeled singleness as a waiting room for marriage. We've equated waiting for marriage to the image of a 16-year-old waiting to get their driver's license at the DMV. We sit in an uncomfortable chair for what seems like an endless amount of time, waiting desperately and impatiently for our turn, only to be frustrated and left to sit still when someone else's name is called over the loudspeaker.
But let me make one thing very clear: singleness is not a waiting room. This is not a time in your life that should be viewed as a holding pattern. Instead, it's a time that you should be living to the absolute full. It breaks my heart when I hear women say things like, "Oh I'll wait travel to _______ when I have a husband to go with me" or "I don't want to do _______ until I'm married." You should never feel like you have to put your life on pause because you're single.
I was very guilty of doing this the first couple of years after I graduated college. I would go through the regular motions of life - work, sleep, eat, watch TV, hang out with friends - and wouldn't do anything big or exciting or out of my comfort zone, because I always thought I'd do those things with my husband. Finally, a few years back, I decided that I didn't want to look back on these years of my life and realize I'd wasted them waiting for a guy. And boy am I glad I made that decision. Since then, I've traveled more, I've moved out, I've pursued goals and dreams that I had once put on the shelf, and I've loved every minute of it! So don't make the same mistake I did a few years ago and convince yourself you're stuck in a waiting room, because you're not. There is so much for you to do, see, and experience in this world, whether or not you have a husband to go along with you.
4. It's better to be single and feel lonely, than to be in a relationship that makes you feel lonely.
When I was preparing to start my podcast about navigating dating as a Christian woman, I read a book called, She's Got The Wrong Guy by Deepak Reju. He makes a lot of amazing points in this book, but there's one that stuck out to me above all the others. He said, "It's better to be single and feel lonely, than to be in a relationship that makes you feel lonely." No one had ever said that to me before, but as soon as I read that line, I knew Mr. Reju was absolutely right. If you've been single for any amount of time, we can both agree that feeling lonely is unavoidable. There are inevitably going to be days where you wish you had a man in your life who you could call when you wanted to talk, who would take you on dates, who would make you laugh when you've had a bad day, and who would cuddle with you while you watch the Office for the 17th time. It's understandable, and I would even say valid, to feel lonely when you're single. But experiencing loneliness when you're single doesn't even compare to experiencing loneliness when you're in a relationship.
Being in a relationship that makes you feel lonely is absolutely miserable. It's something that I wouldn't wish on anyone. You wrestle with so many doubts about yourself, about your relationship, and about the guy you're with. You feel insecure. You feel anxious and worried. And you start to convince yourself that you're not enough for the other person. I have to remind myself of what this feels like when I start to get lonely now that I'm single. Because even though loneliness sucks either way, I'd rather feel lonely from time to time while I'm waiting, instead of settling for a relationship that makes me feel even lonelier than before. Which is why I wanted to make this point to you. Don't get into a relationship just for the sake of having someone. Wait to be with someone who will do everything they can to make sure you don't feel lonely. I can assure you, that's definitely someone worth waiting for.
5. Your maneuvers and manipulations will never trump God's sovereignty.
If you've read any of my previous blog posts from 2017 and 2018, then you know that I was going through a really tough season of job hunting during that time. I was applying and interviewing for jobs for a total of 18 months. It wasn't until the eighth job opportunity that I was finally offered a position, after being told "no" seven other times. I experienced more rejection in those 18 months than I ever had before, but I also learned a lot from that season. You see, I was doing everything in my power to get a different job, and from what I was told, I was doing everything right. I was leveraging my connections. I was receiving great references from my previous and current bosses. I was preparing for interviews for hours on end, but it still wasn't enough. I was still told "no" seven times. I even had one hiring manager tell me, "Kristen, there was nothing more you could have done. You did everything right on your end...it just wasn't the best fit."
Recently, I've come to realize that the same can be true when it comes to singleness and dating. You could be doing everything right on paper. You could be putting yourself in environments to meet guys. You could look your best 24/7. You could be funny and smart and successful. You could have every one of your ducks in a row, and yet still find yourself single. Why? Because at the end of the day, God is still sovereign over your life. His plan and purpose always prevails. As Lisa Bevere once said about thwarting God's sovereignty, "Rest in this: You, my beautiful friend, are not that powerful."
Now, I don't know why God has you single in this moment, and I don't know why He has me single right now either. I don't know how long we are going to be single. I can't even say for sure if either of us are definitely going to get married. But what I can tell you is that our lives, whether we're single or married, are not in vain. We are loved, valuable, worthy daughters of the Lord God Almighty. We have a distinct purpose for being on this earth, and our relationship status does not change that.