Character Lasts, Good Looks Don't
Have you ever been sitting in a Starbucks when a guy walks in and you think, “Dang I want my husband to look like that”? Or maybe you were scrolling through Instagram and saw a guy who was your type down to the green specks in his eyes and the type of shoes he was wearing. You start making mental notes or you add to your “list” more and more physical attributes you’d like for your husband to have. Brown/blonde hair, blue eyes, a pretty smile, at least 6’2, and an athletic build were just a few that showed up on my list the first time I wrote it out. (Don’t judge me.)
It’s funny for me to look back on that version of my list now and see how detailed I was about what I wanted my husband to look like. I wrote down things about his height, his hair color, whether or not he had tattoos, even the way he dressed. But over the past few years, my list has had several updated drafts. And in all the ways my list has changed, it’s shifted the most in regards to my standards on appearance. Because if I’ve learned anything about dating and relationships, it’s that there’s more to a person than how they look.
For example, I briefly dated this one guy in high school, and he was very attractive…and by that I mean he was swoon-worthy. He had every physical characteristic I could have asked for. He was tall, had a killer smile, was an amazing basketball, the whole nine yards. But the more time I spent with him and the more I got to know him, the more I realized that he was lacking a lot of the other things I was looking for. He didn’t have a strong relationship with God. He came across as arrogant and selfish. And he wasn’t very caring. So as attractive as he was on the outside, the way he was on the inside didn’t match.
It didn’t take very long for us to stop dating. I learned the hard way that when your feelings for someone are heavily based on the way they look, there isn’t enough substance to keep the relationship going.
It was realizations like this that made me rethink my list completely. Sure, I still wanted to be with someone I was attracted to. That’s important. I’m not denying that. But at the same time, a guy’s physical appearance wasn’t top priority anymore. It wasn’t absolutely necessary that the guy have bright eyes and be built like a baseball player (although if that were the case, I wouldn’t complain). The older I’ve gotten, the more I’ve started looking for a guy who is strong in his faith and his character, because unlike his looks, those are the things that will only get better as time goes by.
Think about when Samuel went to anoint the next king of Israel. He went to Jesse’s house where Jesse presented each of his sons. Samuel saw Eliab, the oldest son who was tall and strong and good looking. And Samuel, with his human perspective, thought he had picked the perfect son to be the next king. Like many of us do, Samuel was basing his opinion solely on appearance. But God had a different idea.
“But the Lord said to Samuel, ‘Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.’” (1 Samuel 16:7)
Instead of Eliab, David, Jesse’s youngest son, was anointed as king. David was known as being “a man after God’s own heart” (Acts 13:22). God didn’t care about what David looked like or how tall he was or if the ladies thought he was swoon-worthy. He cared about his heart and his character, because those were the things that would impact his people and his kingdom for years to come.
This story is a beautiful picture of how our Heavenly Father models so well how to look at people based on their heart and their character, rather than their looks. I know this can be such a difficult thing to do, especially when the world around us puts good looks on such a pedestal. It’s so tempting to tie our self-worth into the way we look, or even into the way the person we’re dating looks. But as followers of Jesus, we are called to be different.
In Romans 12:2, Paul says, “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is - his good, pleasing and perfect will.”
He’s basically saying that we are not to be like everyone else in the world, but instead we are to be different, letting the Holy Spirit renew our minds and transform our perspective (i.e. seeing people based on how they are in the inside rather than how they look on the outside). Only then can we clearly see what God’s will is for our lives. And isn’t that what we all want? To know what God’s will is for us?
I know for a fact that God wants the best for you. But I also know that what He considers the best and what you consider the best can sometimes look very different. As Christians, we are all called to live our lives in a way that models Jesus. We are called to be kind, loving, patient, selfless, caring, joyful, and faithful. If you are following Jesus and pursuing Him, these qualities are going to continue to grow and mature as part of your character. And the same goes for the person you’re dating or wanting to date.
So I want to encourage you with this. If you’re currently dating someone, ask yourself these questions:
What do I love about this person’s character?
Is he kind? Caring? Loving? Faithful? Selfless? Patient?
Does he try to model his life after Jesus?
If he didn’t look the way he did, would I still want to date him?
If you’re not dating someone, then I would encourage you to ask yourself these questions.
How highly am I prioritizing a guy’s appearance?
Is my list more focused on physical attributes or character traits?
What character qualities do I want to be at the top of my list?
These are all questions I’ve asked myself, and some are more difficult to ask than others. But I truly believe this is one way we can choose to not “conform to the pattern of this world” but rather let God transform us and renew our minds. When we begin to model our thinking after our Heavenly Father, we are taking one step closer to discovering His will for our lives, “his good, pleasing, and perfect will.”
God wants that for you. I want that for you. And I hope you want that for yourself too.
Praying with you,
Kristen