To The Girl Who Feels Like God Let Her Down

“How long Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and day after day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me?” - Psalm 13:1-2

A couple months ago, one of my favorite bloggers posted a picture on Instagram of this simple quote:

“No mess, no message.”

When someone else posts something like that, I love it, because they’re showing that they’re willing to be open and authentic and real about their life. They’re proving they’re not afraid to share their struggles and their frustrations. I so admire when other people are okay with being vulnerable in the midst of their mess. 

But when it comes to talking about my own mess, well, the tables turn. 

I don’t like talking about my mistakes or my doubts or my insecurities. When I do talk about those things though, I want everything to have a nice red bow tied around it. I want to prove to everyone (including myself) that everything works out eventually and that it’s all going to be okay. I like talking about how I’ve overcome the mistakes, the doubts, and the insecurities, but that means I’m only talking about them after the fact. I never talk about my mess in the middle of the mess. 

So I’m about to change that. 

I want to be honest with you. I want to be open and authentic and vulnerable, even if it’s uncomfortable. I want to remind you (and remind myself) that I’m not perfect, nor do I have to try to be. Part of life is learning to keep walking even when the path gets difficult. And right now, I’m on a pretty gosh-darn difficult part of my journey. 

A few days ago, I was sitting in on a seminary class. The professor was talking about the importance of having an honest relationship with God. He said, “God is big enough to handle your emotions. He’s big enough to handle your honesty. Let Him be who He longs to be in your life, and don’t be afraid to communicate with Him honestly about how you feel.”

I thought about that statement all day: “God is big enough to handle your honesty.” I thought about how I had a lot I wanted to talk to God about. You see, earlier that same day I'd had a not-so-fun encounter with rejection. A guy I had just started talking to decided he wanted to date another girl instead, and in the nicest way he knew how, gave me the boot. Now don’t get me wrong, it’s not like this guy broke my heart or anything. We’d only been texting for a few days and went on one date. So if it was going to end, I’m glad it ended sooner rather than later. It’s just that rejection was starting to seem like an all too familiar feeling. And I was getting fed up. 

I would like to tell you that as the day progressed, I started to gain perspective around the whole situation, that I focused on the fact that God answered my prayer for clarity through this rejection. But that just wasn’t the case. In fact, the opposite was true. As the day went on, I could feel the anger and the bitterness building. And late that night, when I couldn’t hold it in anymore, I let God have it. Nothing was left unsaid. 

I told Him that I was sick and tired of feeling rejected. I told Him that I was over getting my hopes up and then quickly getting let down. I told Him I hated feeling like I wasn’t good enough. I told Him I hated that guys seem to always choose their career or their lifestyle or another girl instead of choosing me. And I told Him I felt forgotten. 

I asked Him a lot of questions too - questions full of hurt and frustration and cynicism. Is this what I get for hoping, God? Is this what I get for putting myself out there? How long am I going to be stuck in this cycle of anticipation leading to disappointment? When am I going to get excited about something and NOT get let down?

I went on for a while, almost an hour actually, until everything was out on the table. I wish I could say everything felt better once the venting session ended, but it didn’t. I was still hurt, confused, angry, and disappointed. But I was also relieved. I was relieved that the seminary professor was right - God is big enough to handle my emotions and my honesty. He handled it like a champ, even despite my bitterness and sarcastic questioning. 

Sweet friend, wherever you are right now, whatever feelings or frustrations you’re dealing with, let me encourage you with one thing: God is big enough to handle anything you throw at Him. He’s not a hyper-sensitive, fragile God who will shatter the first time you tell Him how you really feel. Nor is He a harsh tyrant just waiting to punish you for getting upset with Him. Let me remind you, just like I needed to remind myself, that He already knows what you’re thinking and feeling whether you tell Him or not. Nothing you say to Him is going to come as a surprise. He can handle it. He is strong. He is secure. He is compassionate, and He is gracious. He’s your Heavenly Father who wants nothing less than the best for His children. 

I say all of this to make the point that honesty is everything - whether that’s honesty with God, honesty with other people, or even honesty with yourself. I know how tough it can be to practice honesty and openness. It’s like taking off your makeup in front of your crush. You feel exposed and vulnerable and you’re not sure if they’ll like you back. The entire time I’ve been writing this post I’ve been thinking “I wonder what people are going to think of me if I publish this?” But I can’t let that fear cause me to be silent. I have to believe that being honest is going to be worth it, that being vulnerable is going to be worth it. 

So, whatever you’re dealing with today, I want to challenge you to be honest with God about it. Tell Him what’s on your mind. You don’t have to filter it. You don’t have to cover it up with overly polite language. Just say what you’re feeling straight up. Ask Him the hard questions. Let Him know that you’re insecure, or heartbroken, or disappointed, or angry, or confused, or annoyed. Take it from me. I promise you, He can take it. 

And then when you’re done talking to Him, go talk to someone else. Find someone you trust - a friend, a mentor, a parent, a teacher, whoever - and be honest with them about the difficulties you’re facing in your journey. And who knows? You making the choice to practice vulnerability might lead someone else to do the same. Let’s face it. As much as we love to follow seemingly perfect people on Instagram, we don’t relate to them. We relate to people who mess up sometimes and who aren’t afraid to be straightforward about their imperfections. We relate to people who are honest and open and raw. If there’s no mess, then there’s no message. And I’d rather have a message because of my mess rather than the alternative any day. 

So with that being said, I want to say thank you. Thanks for reading this far. Thank you for showing me compassion as I talk about my own doubts and insecurities. Thank you for understanding that not everything can be easily tied up with a big red bow. Thank you for being graciously willing to sit on the other side of my attempt at honesty and vulnerability. And thank you for giving me the chance to find a message in the middle of a mess.