5 Ways To Make Your Friendships Thrive
Last week, I had dinner with three of my best friends. It was a night with all the makings of a good time: life updates, laughter, tears, inside jokes, and Chick-fil-a. It was one of those nights that had me in a really grateful mood when I crawled into bed later that evening. The four of us have been friends for nearly a decade and a half, and a lot of life has happened in that time - graduations, first dates, breakups, weddings, out-of-state moves, and a million moments in between. So as I laid in bed that night thinking about my friends, I thought about everything that has made our friendships become and remain so strong over the years.
Friendships are just like any relationship in that they take both people investing and pouring into the friendship to make it work. I’m sure somewhere on Pinterest there is a forever-long list of things you should do to ensure you’ll have great friendships. But I just want to talk about five specific ways to be a good friend that I’ve seen work in my own life. I firmly believe that in doing these five things, you will not only be a fantastic friend, but your friendships will thrive for years to come.
1. Ask them questions just as much as you give them advice.
Girlfriends can be some of the best people to have in your corner when it comes to making a decision or needing counsel. They know you better than almost anyone. They know your strengths, as well as your blindspots. So they typically give some of the best advice. But oftentimes what's even better than giving advice to your friend is asking good questions.
When you lead with a question rather than a statement, you are allowing your friend to come to her own conclusions. She can think through things on her own instead of just doing what other people think she should do. This is particularly helpful if your friend is a people pleaser. So, the next time your friend asks you for advice or help making a decision, ask her a few open-ended, well thought-out questions. And then watch as she develops more wisdom and discernment on her own.
2. Tell them the truth.
One of my favorite things about being a friend is that I get to be a cheerleader for the people closest to me. I love being able to encourage my friends and get excited when big things happen for them. But that means a lot of times I can struggle with being honest with my friends when I have to deliver tough news or tell them about a concern I have.
For instance, a while back one of my friends started dating this guy. I was super excited for her to be in this new relationship because I knew this was something she had been praying for and wanting for a while. However, as the relationship progressed there were a couple of things I saw in this guy that worried me. But in an attempt to not hurt my friend's feelings, I didn't say anything. Thankfully, one of her other friends spoke up, and she was able to see the same red flags we saw.
Looking back now, I wish I had been honest with my friend from the beginning about my concerns. I wish I had told the truth and had the hard conversation. It might not have been comfortable at the time, but at least I would have upheld the honesty and integrity that made up our friendship, and I would have shown how much I loved and respected her by being honest. You can still be a supportive friend and tell the truth. Don't make the same mistake I did and think you have to pick one or the other.
3. Support them when your flesh wants to envy them.
Now, like I said earlier, I love to encourage my friends. I'm truly thrilled to get to support them in the different seasons of their lives. However, being supportive doesn't always come easy, particularly when your friend gets something you want. When my best friend Melanie got engaged a few years ago, I was elated. I had known this was coming for months, so I was thrilled that this dream was finally coming true for my friend. But at the same time, there was this little ping of sadness that pricked my heart, because this was a dream I was still waiting on God to fulfill in my own story.
A couple months into the engagement, I remember Melanie asking me how I was doing with everything. We were in the thick of planning her bridal shower, her bachelorette weekend, and organizing a bunch of wedding details, yet she was asking how I was doing. I was so grateful in that moment that she asked, because no one else had up until then. I told her that I was over the moon excited for her, but there were times I would struggle with wishing it were me. And with God-given grace and compassion, she assured me that it was totally okay for me to feel that way. She understood how this could be a bittersweet time for me, and she offered me so much empathy.
Talking to Melanie about this made supporting her that much easier, because I felt like I could embrace all of the feelings and emotions that came with this season. Trust me, I get it. It's wonderful and difficult to watch your friends get something you want. And it's okay to be honest about where you're at on that spectrum. But even when it's hard, support your friend anyway, because wouldn't you want them to do the same for you?
4. Hold them accountable.
As a friend, you have a unique look into your girlfriends' lives that not many people have. You know the ins and outs of almost every area of their lives, and you have a special kind of empathy and understanding for them because you're probably walking through a similar season. That being said, you can offer them so much accountability when it comes to their decision making.
If they tell you they're struggling with something, you have the ability to check in on them and see how they're doing. If they say they're going to stop talking to that guy, you can follow up with them and make sure they don't text him even when it's tempting. In addition to asking good questions, being honest with them, and supporting them, holding them accountable in the areas they need it is one of the best things you can do for your girlfriends.
5. Just be there for them.
At the end of the day, the thing that makes best friends so special is that they're always there when you need them. Just remember, being there for someone doesn't necessarily mean you have to do anything or say anything. Sometimes just sitting with your friend is all they need to feel loved and comforted.
I remember this one time after I had gone through a really tough breakup, I went to see my friends Lindsay and Bethany. After I told them everything that happened (and eaten a rather large bowl of ice cream), I just sat on the couch in silence while Friends played on the TV and Lindsay played with my hair. Neither of them said anything. They didn't try to cheer me up or make me laugh. They just sat with me. And that was exactly what I needed in that moment. So don't feel pressured to think you always have to say the right thing or do the right thing when your friend is going through something. Sometimes, all you need to do is just show them you're there for them.
Friendships are incredible tools that God uses to encourage us, challenge us, sanctify us, and mature us. My hope is that you have friendships like this. But if you don't, I would encourage you to begin praying and asking God to bring this type of friendship into your life. I can tell you for a fact that my life wouldn't be the same without my closest friends, and my prayer is that the same would be true for you as well.