Trying To Earn God's Love

For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith - and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God - not by works, so that no one can boast. - Ephesians 2:8-9

Around this time three years ago, I was walking through the streets of Jerusalem. There were so many amazing sights and places I got to visit while I was in Israel, but one stood out above the rest: The garden tomb. 

The garden had very peaceful and quiet atmosphere, which was very refreshing compared to a lot of the other places we’d been. Because of the region of world we were in, there were a lot of tourists at most of the places we visited. Not only that, but the atmosphere felt very different. A lot of times you would see people doing the sign of the cross, bowing down before whatever site we were seeing, some would even kiss the ground. There would be people crying and reciting prayers in their native languages. It felt a lot more religious, rather than like a relationship, at least from my perspective. 

I was thinking about this while I was sitting on a bench in the garden overlooking the tomb where Jesus was believed to have been buried for three days. I was thanking God that He loved me enough to die for me so that I could have a personal relationship with Him, and that I didn’t have to be perfectly religious for Him to love me. After I said that, I had one of those moments where God very clearly responded to me. It wasn’t audible, but it was just as straightforward. It was like He said, “Kristen, you may not be doing the things those people were doing, but you’re still living like you have to do everything right and be perfect for Me to love you.”  

Immediately the tears started falling. He was right. I mean, of course He was right. He’s God. But I had never seen my desire to achieve perfection, or the “good girl” image I wanted so badly to portray, more clearly than I did in that moment. This was something I’d been talking with one of my mentors about a lot in the weeks leading up to this trip. I know God loves me unconditionally. That’s something I’ve been taught since I was 5 years old. But for some reason, I still live like I need do all the right things so maybe He’ll love me more. I have this deep desire for Him to be proud of me. It’s like I feel the need to prove that I was worth dying for.  

But what God so clearly reminded me of on that hot afternoon in Jerusalem is that there’s absolutely nothing more I can do to prove that I was worth all of the horrible things Jesus went through. I can do everything right for the rest of my life, or I can make every mistake in the book, and He will love me no more and no less. This is not a merit based relationship. This is a relationship that God wanted so badly that He was willing to sacrifice what He loved most to get it. And I’m so grateful that He did.  

I walked out of the garden that day with a little mascara smudged under my eyes and a whole lot of peace and gratitude in my heart. That will be a day I will never forget for the rest of my life. If for nothing else, I went on that trip to have that conversation with my Heavenly Father. For it was through that conversation that He restored my belief in the power of His love in just ten minutes. And I am so grateful that His love is absolutely perfect, and therefore you and I don’t have to be.