Looking For The Right Person vs. Becoming The Right Person

Whoever says he abides in him ought to walk in the same way in which he walked. – 1 John 2:6

I made my first “future husband list” when I was a junior in high school. I was on my way to my first college tour, and I got into a conversation with my parents about the possibility of meeting my future husband once I was in college. And after that conversation was over, I figured I should probably start seriously thinking about the qualities I was looking for in the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with.

So later that night, I took out a piece of paper and started writing down any quality I could think of that I wanted in a husband. I wanted him to love Jesus, obviously. I wanted him to be attractive and taller than me. I wanted him to be driven to pursue his goals and passions. I wanted him to be kind and loving. I wanted him to be confident. I wanted him to be patient and caring. And the list kept going.

A few years after I made this list, I read a book my pastor wrote about relationships. At one point in the book, he specifically addressed single people (that included me at the time), and he gave a challenge. Here’s what he said:

Become who the person you’re looking for is looking for.

I had never heard of a concept like this before. I had been told over and over again what qualities I should be looking for in a future spouse. I had been told which red flags to look out for and avoid. I was told I should be praying for my future spouse. But I had never heard someone turn the focus back on me and who I was becoming.

That being said, this challenge from my pastor really stuck with me. With his words in mind, I pulled out my future husband list. And instead of looking at it as a list of qualities I wanted someone else to have, I looked at the list to see if I measured up to the qualities myself.

Was it obvious to other people that I loved Jesus? Was I pursuing my goals, dreams, and passions? Was I kind? Was I loving? Was I confident? Patient? Caring?

You get the idea.

That moment was the beginning of my focus being shifted. I wanted to become who the person I was looking for was looking for.

Friend, I want to extend this same challenge to you. Maybe you’ve already made a future husband list like I did and you have it written down somewhere. If you don’t, or even if you just have a mental list of qualities you’re looking for, I want you to write them down – in a journal, in your phone, it doesn’t matter. Then, instead of putting all your focus on finding someone who has those qualities, I want you to ask yourself how you measure up to your list.

What qualities are you strong in? What qualities do you need to improve on? Be honest with yourself as you answer and ask the Lord to help you see clearly what He wants you to see from this exercise.

Then from there, pray that the Holy Spirit will walk alongside you as you work on the qualities you want to work on. I have no doubt that He will. And I think you’ll be amazed at how you grow and change for the better when you shift your focus from looking to becoming.