To The Girl Who's Fighting With Her Best Friend

When you think back on your life, do you have any days that you can look back on and say, “That day has altered the course of my life.” or “My life hasn’t been the same since that day.”? I’ve definitely had a few of the days, one of which happened in August of 2005.  

Basketball tryouts for my seventh grade season were just getting started. I was so excited (as most middle schoolers are) about gearing up for the new school year and another year of playing my favorite sport. On the first night of tryouts, I was shooting around waiting for everyone to get to the gym when two new girls walked in. One girl’s name was Sarah, and the other girl’s name was Melanie. I remember noticing that Melanie had SUPER curly hair, she was taller than me, and she had braces just like I did. We talked for a couple minutes after our coach introduced us and then started warming up. Neither of us had any clue that that night was the start of a lifelong friendship. 

Fast forward to our junior year of high school, and Melanie and I were inseparable. If you saw one of us, the other one wasn’t far behind. We were practically sisters, spending every second we could going shopping or to the gym or to the pool or to each other’s houses. She’s what made high school so fun and so memorable for me.  

However, as our senior year came to a close, we began to face something we’d never really dealt with before: tension. We both had a lot of decisions to make that year, decisions that we thought we had all figured out. The plan was for Melanie and I to go to college together and be roommates. We’d already bought our dorm decorations and everything. But one thing led to another, and we both ended up deciding to go to different schools. From there, frustration and resentment and jealousy started to build between us, but neither of us wanted to talk about it. We figured we could just ignore it and it would go away, because honestly, we’d never had any problems in our friendship before. It had always been easy-peasy-lemon-squeezy.   

But as those negative thoughts and feelings built, we began to grow apart. We started hanging out with different people. We would ignore each other’s text messages, make up excuses why we couldn’t hang out. We pulled out every passive-aggressive teenager trick in the book.  

Everything came to a climax one day when I was at work and Melanie came to visit. We weren’t on the best of terms, so I didn’t spend too much time talking to her (aka I was being immature and rude). So after about half an hour, Melanie left. Not long after that, I got a text message from Melanie. Unfortunately, I was never supposed to get that text, because that text was intended for one of our other friends. I don’t remember exactly what the message said, but the words “Kristen” and “spoiled brat” were typed pretty close together. I immediately texted Melanie back to let her know that she had sent the message to the wrong person, and then came the water works.  

I cried in the bathroom at work until I could pull myself together. Melanie was crying on the other end of the phone, feeling super sick to her stomach. It was as horrible of a situation as it could have been. And unfortunately, it didn’t stop there.   

Over the next year (yes, I said YEAR, as in 12 months, 365 days), we had one argument after another. Neither of us wanted to ultimately take the blame for why our friendship was falling apart, and neither of us wanted to swallow our pride long enough to try to put it back together. That year was one of the toughest years of my life for a lot of reasons, but one of the main reasons was that I wasn’t on good terms with my best friend.  

I specifically remember one night sitting in my dorm room. It was second semester of freshman year, around 1am. I was crying because I’d just gotten in another fight with Melanie. And all I wanted to do was call my best friend to talk, but you can’t really do that when the one you want to call is the one you’re fighting with.  

What I can see now that I couldn’t see then was that we both needed that year apart. We didn’t realize that, but I’m thankful God did. We both did a lot of growing over that year, growing in maturity, growing in our faith, growing in our confidence of who God created us to be and how He created us to live. And I thank the Lord all the time for the work He did in us, and that this season in our friendship was just that: a season.  

After about a year had passed, Melanie and I realized that we were going to be attending the same basketball tournament in Virginia over spring break. It was like God was saying, “Okay ladies. I’m giving you time to talk things out before you spend the week together. So why don’t you take it?” So the two of us met for coffee, thinking we were just going to talk to try to reconcile. We’d be there an hour tops and go on our merry way. 

We were there for four hours.

And in that four hours, God did the kind of work He does best: redeeming work.  

We talked through anything and everything that had happened over the past year. We let go of the past. We took responsibility. We said we were sorry. And after 12 months of hitting the pause button, we finally hit the play button on our friendship again.  

Fast forward to present-day. It’s been eight years since we had that four-hour coffee date. Melanie and I conquered college together. She got married, and I was the maid of honor (just like we always talked about). And she is about to give birth to her first baby, and I’m going to be Aunt Kristen.

I know for a fact that if it had not been for the redemption of our Heavenly Father, there’s no way Mel and I would still be friends. I’m so grateful that He saw fit for us to work through this tough situation and that we’ve come out even stronger on the other side. 

 I’ve seen so many times where friends chose to walk away instead of fight for their friendship. They refused to forgive and in turn missed out on allowing God to redeem them and their circumstances. I know I’ve been through that with a few of my friends in the past. But I’m so happy to say that in this particular circumstance with me and Melanie, that just wasn’t the case.

I can trace so many blessings and wonderful memories back to my friendship with Mel. My life would have turned out so differently had I not only met Melanie, but also if we had not humbled ourselves so that God could redeem our friendship. 

So if you’re fighting with one of your friends right now, please hear me when I say this. Forgiveness is always the best road to take when it comes to relationships. I know you’re probably hurt and disappointed. Maybe you feel like your trust has been broken and the bond has been severed between you and your friend. But if God was willing to pay the ultimate price so that you could be forgiven, don’t you think it’s time for you to extend that same grace and mercy and forgive your friend?

We serve a God who is in the redemption business. And I have no doubt that He would love to redeem your friendship if you’re willing to humble yourself and show grace and mercy where it may not be deserved. If I’ve learned anything from my story with Melanie, it’s that the Lord can take the most dark, hopeless circumstances and resurrect them into the most beautiful, hope-filled, glorious stories. He did that for me, and I have no doubt He can do the same for you.  

“(Jesus Christ) gave himself for us to redeem us from all wickedness and to purify for himself a people that are his very own, eager to do what is good.” - Titus 2:14