Don't Let Anyone Discourage You From Having Standards
Ten years ago, I sat in the back of my parents’ mini van on the way to my first college tour. My mom and I were chatting away about all of the exciting things that would be coming up in the next few years: graduating high school, moving into a dorm and of course, dating college boys. It was during that conversation that my mom encouraged me to make a list — that is, a list of traits and characteristics I was looking for in a guy. This way, I would have standards to go by, making it much more difficult for me to settle for just any boy who came along.
So that afternoon in the back of that minivan, I started writing my list. At the very top of the list were the really important things:
1. Loves Jesus
2. Taller than me
3. Great personality
4. Hard worker
5. Good sense of humor
Then as I went further down the list, I got a little more specific:
9. Likes to cook
10. No piercings
11. Plays/loves sports
12. At least six feet tall
13. Brown or blue eyes
And the list kept going.
Once I finished it, I would tell my friends and family about my list, very proud of the fact that I had standards. And for the most part, people were pretty supportive, telling me it was a good idea to be thinking through what I was looking for in someone. However, there were some people I told about this list who were not as affirming. In fact, a few of them were downright discouraging. I would hear things like:
“That’s a pretty lofty list, Kristen.”
"I wouldn’t get your hopes up.”
“You’re going to need to tone that list down a little if you want to find someone.”
“I hope you’re willing to be single for a long time.”
“You’re never going to find someone that fits all of those standards."
Or my personal favorite…
“Good luck with that."
I look back at this wrinkled piece of paper now and can’t help but chuckle, because my list was really detailed. And to be fair, those people had a point that it was going to be pretty difficult to find someone that matched every single item on that list.
So over the next few years, my standards changed pretty drastically. As I navigated my fair share of dating disasters, I started to realize what was really important...and what wasn’t.
Now, ten years later, my list looks more like this:
1. Has an obvious, growing relationship with Jesus.
2. Has a heart for others.
3. Has a kind and caring spirit.
4. Strives to fulfill God’s call on his life.
5. Pursues me and treats me with love and respect.
6. Thinks my character, my faith and my personality are attractive qualities.
7. Wants a family.
8. Strives for purity, even when it’s difficult.
9. Taller than me.
Okay, so the last one carried over from the first list, but everything else is pretty much new. Either way, I thought that this version of my list would be much more realistic and would make it much easier for me to find someone. Not only that, but I thought those people who were initially discouraging would be much more supportive and encouraging about this list than they were about the last one.
Unfortunately, that wasn’t the case.
Once again, I heard the same old lines, all of which could be summed up in four words:
“Good luck with that.”
For a while, this discouragement really bothered me. Partially because I’m a people pleaser, and I want people to like me and not think I’m being unwise or unreasonable. But mainly, it bothered me because for five years I never got past a second date with anyone. So I couldn’t help but wonder if there was some truth to what these people had been telling me. What if I really was going to have to lower my standards if I wanted to find someone? What if I had no choice but to settle? What if they were right?
Thankfully, it didn’t take me long to realize that these discouragers weren’t any more right about my standards than I was about thinking Tyler Cameron was going to be the Bachelor instead of Pilot Pete.
I have a list that I not only believe I can be proud of, but I have a list that I believe my Heavenly Father is proud of, too. Every single thing on my list (other than the one about being taller than me) is backed by what He says in His Word.
He desires all of us to have a growing relationship with Him. (Ephesians 3:17-19)
He asks all of us to be kind, caring and gentle towards other people. (Galatians 5:22-23)
He tells us to value someone’s character over their appearance. (1 Samuel 16:7)
He commands us to live a life of purity, to love each other and to respect each other. (1 Timothy 4:12)
So, if you’re in the process of making your own list of standards, my first piece of advice is this: don’t let just anyone dictate what makes it on your list. Instead, as you’re thinking through your list, see if what you’re looking for lines up with God’s Word. Scripture gives us so many examples of how we should act and interact in relationships, and the only person you’re going to be accountable to for your relationship is the Lord.
If you’re a people pleaser like me, I know how tempting it is to pay more attention to what other people say you should look for, but don’t fall into that temptation. You’ll never be able to please everyone, and there will never be a time in your life when everyone approves of your decision making. If you’re going to aim to please anyone, you should aim to please your Heavenly Father. And trust me, that is a decision you will never regret making.
So go ahead and make your list! Spend time reading Scripture and see how the Lord wants His followers to live, act, speak, and love. With those commandments as your guide, write down the qualities you hope to find in someone you want to spend your life with. When you do this, you’ll end up with a list that not only you will be proud of, but one that your Heavenly Father will be proud of as well. And at the end of the day, His opinion is the only one that really matters.